You Still Want to Come Over?

My nerves were so completely on edge. I could not believe that after all of this time I was going to see him. So much had changed over the years. I wondered if he would still be interested in me, this older and fatter version of me. I wondered if he was nervous too. I wondered if he would still want me, after all of this time, would he look the same, would my heart nearly explode when I saw him? I was sitting there, in the parking lot of the restaurant, almost sick with anticipation, when he pulled up. We got out of our cars, he came around his, and I really saw him. Yeah, it all came back. I was so weak in the knees, and when he put his arms around me to hug me I knew it was all over again.

We had planned to eat dinner and then, after, he was going to come to my place. There was no question for either of us what would go down at my place, once we both got there, but there was always a question in my mind about whether or not we would get there. I felt certain that there was a high probability that he would change his mind after seeing that I had packed on 70 pounds or that I wasn't as cute as I had been at 19 years old. So, once the plates had been cleared, I mustered up the courage and asked him if he still wanted to come over. To my delight he said yes, and we were on our way. I was so nervous on the drive home that I am not sure how I made it there in one piece.

I let him in the house, and turned away from him to head toward the light switch, when I felt his hands around my waist and his hips pressing against me, and I panicked. I literally ran away from him to the other room to get the correct lighting taken care of. I gave myself a pep talk..."surrender to this you idiot, it is the second chance you have always wanted with him." So I moved toward him, I could feel my body heat rising and my breathing change. He pulled me in close to his body. I could feel his hips, his chest, his thighs pressed against me and then he put his lips on mine, and I was a goner. No memory can ever compare to the real thing and in that moment, in that first kiss (again) every fear and misgiving melted away. I surrendered to him, and for the first time in twelve years, I felt connected again. It was like exchanging energy with another person, one body melds into the other, where one ends and one begins is a foreign concept. In that moment the intimacy took on a life of its own. It was everything I remembered, but it was more, because my hunger was more.

We had, ummmm, several rounds that evening. We slept a little in between and we talked a little in between and in those moments when we were talking he told me that he thought it was funny that we were seeing each other on a Thursday, because that had always been our day together. This is a detail that I absolutely could not remember, but he does. He recalled several specific detail, things I had worn, how we had separated, details about what I had liked. In that moment with him I believed for the first time ever that maybe what had been between us had meant more to him then I had ever realized.

I was next to him in bed, his arms wrapped around me, knowing that he needed to go home so he could be ready for work in the morning but man was I scared to send him away. He had made a point of telling me before hand that he was not interested in having a one night stand with me, and that he would definitely be coming back, but I had my doubts. I think being around so many jerky men before I got married and then being so emotionally abused by my ex-husband really left me wondering. Which, was entirely unfair to him, because he had never treated me badly. Still, fair or not, I was scared.

I had to let him go though, so I did. I kissed him good-bye and he told me he would to talk to me soon, and he came through. He called me the next evening to make sure I was still alright with the sex that had happened the night before. I assured him that I was. We had made plans to see each other three weeks later, but I told him I didn't really want to wait that long. He said he would see what he could do, we said our good-byes, and hung up the phone. It was a very good twenty four hours in what had otherwise been a very crummy year. I wanted more of that...a lot more.

What he said, "FWB things never work, how did you keep from getting emotionally invested back then?"
What I should have said, " I did get invested, I loved you more than life itself."

I will tell you how I actually answered his question in my next post...