I know, I know...Start at the Beginning

But I can't, not yet, because I am here now, and now needs to get put out there so it is not so bottled up inside of me.

First things first...I love him. I loved him 12 years ago. He moved on, I did too (after awhile.) Fast forward 12 years, one look in his eyes, and I loved him again. How is that even fair? I mean really, shouldn't I at least get a grace period or something? Whatever, no use complaining over something that can't be any different than what it is. The thing is, he never felt that way about me. Not 12 years ago, and not three months ago when we saw each other for the first time again. He just didn't.

So, now it has been three months, (I will get back to the other stuff) and I have watched He's Just Not That Into You and The Ugly Truth and I have thought about things and come to the conclusion that I am indeed the rule, and not the exception. That I am that girl that will always love him, regardless... and he is that guy that will be happy to sleep with me as long as it is not too complicated. I suppose I should be ashamed about that, but I am not. When he is here with me, I am content. When he is here with me, nothing else matters. I suppose that you might call that trading in my pride for a few hours of contentment. Who needs pride anyway?

But then, when he was here a few days ago, something happened, something that I never expected, something that leaves all of my previously drawn conclusions still sort of intact but definitely not as set in concrete as I thought they were. He told me that he loved me. Sounds good, right? What is the problem? ADULT MATERIAL coming up......He said it while I was giving him a blow job. What does that even mean? You can't do that during sex of any nature for the first time. Right? Doesn't it kind of negate things? Here is the thing, not only did he say it, but he said, "I love you so much,..." and he used my name. So, it was said while we were having sex but at the same time it was so intentionally said, using my name, that I am even more confused about what it means.

I know you must be wondering why I don't just ask him what it meant. Well, see, I kind of froze up in the moment. I mean, I know he knows that I heard him, because it screwed up my rhythm, but I didn't stop, I didn't demand answers, I said absolutely nothing. I froze...panicked if you will, and then I just finished the job and rolled over, wondering what had happened. He, of course, fell asleep. Then it felt like the moment had passed and then well, I have no idea. This happened on Tuesday. It is Sunday, I have no idea how I am going to approach this and, at this point, how he will respond. God, I hate it when I do stupid shit...

So, for the record, I love him, always have, he never has loved me but maybe does now??? and I am an idiot that just let the effing moment pass me by...

And yes, this is infinitely more complicated then just this one event, I just had to get this one out of me before I exploded from the complication of it all.

So, in reference to the title...
What he said, "I love you so much..."
What I should have said, "WTF? While I am giving you head, really?"