Ok, back to the story...
About a week after our sleepover, he called me. He told me that he wanted to see me again, could I spare another Saturday night? We made plans for another sleepover and then spent almost three hours on the phone. He doesn't typically spend a lot of time chatting it up on the phone, so this was pretty out of character for him. It was good though.
Two weeks was too long, in my opinion, and I made sure he knew it when he walked in the door. It was like the inner sex kitten in me came rawring out with a vengeance. I turned on some music and took over and he just kind of sat there for a second, bewildered, be recovered quickly though, and the sex was literally off the charts good. When we were done he looked at me and said, "what was that?" I told him that I just wanted him to know how glad I was to see him. He assured me that I had done a stellar job of making my point.
We spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying each other. When I fell asleep he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled one of my legs in between his to sleep. It was one of the sweetest gestures, I felt like he was telling me that he needed to be sure that I didn't go anywhere, that I stay right next to him. I hadn't been sleeping well for weeks, but that night, tangled up with him, I slept so well. In the morning, we had the same situation. He was going to leave for work early, but instead it was almost noon when he walked out the door. He told me that I made it hard for him to want to leave. We stayed next to each other on the couch, watching tv for a few hours. I didn't even care what was on. I was just content to be with him, hanging out. Later on that day I got a phone call, making plans to see me again in a week.
Notice how things are progressing here? From three week intervals to one week intervals? Seems like a good sign. Also, my schedule with my son changed up around this time and my Thursday nights opened up. This made it so much easier on both of us because his Thursday nights are usually open too.
What he said, "You make it so hard for me to want to leave."
What I should have said, "well, grab a clue buddy, that is the kind of woman you should want to be with; the kind that makes you feel content just in her presence."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Still here, still in love, still stupid
Please ignore the typos/grammar issues it is two in the morning and I am wiped out and for some reason I can't find spellcheck on blogger. Hello? I used to use it, where did it go?
I have a lot going on right now, and not a ton of time to post, but I thought I would toss an update out there from this week. Yes, I know it is not in chronological order, but what the hell? I mean, something happened this week that I kind of need to get off my chest. Sorry, it ended up longer than I expected.
First of all, I can't remember if I mentioned this yet or not, but I have premonitions about him all the time. I mean, all the time. I do not have them for other people very often, rarely in fact. I don't even have them for my kiddo, so this is very, very strange for me. Ok, on with my story of the last week and a half.
I made plans two Thursdays ago to meet up with a friend of mine and go clothes shopping. I was going to meet her in a town about thirty minutes west of where we live so that we could hit several stores in one evening. Anyway, the night before I get a call from him, asking me if I can come over Thursday during the day to help him out. He lives in a town about 30 minutes north of me, but no big deal, I can do both. So, I head out there, hold down the fort at this place while he takes the locks to get them re-keyed, clean up a little because he has just moved in and wants to wipe down all the surfaces etc. He gets back, we do our "thing" and all is well. I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave so we just hang out in bed, talking and stuff. I tell him that my aunt that has been sick forever took a turn for the worse, he tenderly strokes my hair, calls me sweetie, tells me how sorry he is, and suggests that I make sure to make some time to spend with her. (This is one of the things about him that I love, that most women would probably hate, he tends to try to come up with a possible solution to every problem.) When he is sweet and tender like that, I fall a little more in love. Stupid, yes. Impossible not too. Yes.
I also tell him about a little get together with my friends, none of whom he has ever met, for Saturday night and ask him to come. He says maybe, if he doesn't end up having his son, he will come out. This is where that whole premonition thing comes into play. I woke up Saturday morning and knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would not be coming. I wasn't upset at all. I just figured that he would call or text later and let me know, no big deal. At about 5 on Saturday I get the text that he can't make it but that he hopes I have a good time, that he did end up having his son afterall. This is where I did a stupid thing. A stupid thing that weighed heavily on me for ohhh about a week. I replied to his text with, "I know. Have a good night."
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!!!! About 2 minutes later my phone was ringing and I could tell he was not impressed. He took the response as angry and I had to spend the next five minutes convincing him that I was not angry at all but that I had just had another one of those premonitions and so I was just sincerely telling him to have a good night with his son. So, on Sunday, we talked for a few minutes and I thought things were ok. They seemed ok. He hung up to put his boy to bed and I honestly did not expect to hear from him again for a few days. Then, on Monday morning I get a voicemail, "hey, call me." I call him back and leave a message, telling him when I would be available. No return call. Later that I evening I send him a text. Nothing... The next night I try him again, no answer. In my mind I start thinking things over and I begin to panic. What if he is pissed about the Saturday night conversation? What if I missed something entirely? Why in the world would he ask me to call him and then just nor respond? This went on not just one day, not two days, but for six days. After day four I started bracing myself for the worst, that maybe he was just done. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time he walked away from me...
So, it is Sunday night. I am trying to focus on school work. I hear my phone go off. I reach for it, see his name on the text message, and feel myself get a little panicky. The text says,
HIM: "How's my ____?" Is there a reason u r depriving me of u?"
Ummm, confused much? Yes, yes I was. Even worse, I was crying. No, I was sobbing. It was like all of the fear that I had been dealing with all week just gushed out of my body.
ME: "I don't think that is fair. I am not the one doing the deprivation. You ignored my calls, text, and message. Not the other way around. I miss you."
Well, that got him.
HIM: "what? who? when? I'm confused? But I miss you too!"
ME: "you called me on monday, I returned the call and left a message, sent you a text later that night, and tried you tuesday. You didn't respond."
HIM: "the other ____ must have had my phone. He doesn't relay messages very well. lol."
ME: "If I were you I would not let him have my phone anymore, at least not where I am concerned because I don't like to be ignored."
HIM: "That is exactly why I miss my _______!"
ME: "Then make some plans to see me because I miss you too, a lot!"
And then there was a phone call and plans have been made and in less that 48 hours I am going to go see him. The thing is, I feel like I am stuck in this weird place. We have been, ummm, sleeping together for over four months now. When we are together there is snuggling, there have been overnights, most often there is sleeping involved, there are long talks, personal talks, there have been 3 hour phone conversations and some talk of introducing him to my son. This is not your typical friends with benfits scenario and we have both admitted that it is different. The thing is, back in early December, he told me that he could never BE with me. I am feeling like maybe it is time to revisit that, but I am scared shitless that his answer, even after everything, will still be the same and that if he thinks that I NEED more he is going to freak out and step away. Even this within itself is not so bad, except I do NEED him. He offers a companionship that I haven't had in years. I need the physical closeness of the snuggling and the sleeping, I need the sweet, gentle way that he sweeps the hair out of my eyes to look at me. I need the moments when I am lying there next to him and I open my eyes and catch him looking at me. I don't know what he is thinking when he does that but I like to imagine it is good. I NEED all of that right now.
Is it worth the risk to possibly find out that maybe he has changed him mind a little bit? I have no idea. No idea. I am scared to death to lose one of the few things that really makes me happy right now, but I am also scared of holding onto a hope that is ridiculous and has no potential. Oh dear, oh my, I am a hot mess.
What he said: "You are too nice. I could never date you because I would always feel like I was doing something wrong."
What I should have said: "Or you could be smart and do something that is so right."
Oh, and can someone...anyone explain to me why he referred to me as his twice? I mean, if he doesn't want me, how can he claim any sort of ownership?
I have a lot going on right now, and not a ton of time to post, but I thought I would toss an update out there from this week. Yes, I know it is not in chronological order, but what the hell? I mean, something happened this week that I kind of need to get off my chest. Sorry, it ended up longer than I expected.
First of all, I can't remember if I mentioned this yet or not, but I have premonitions about him all the time. I mean, all the time. I do not have them for other people very often, rarely in fact. I don't even have them for my kiddo, so this is very, very strange for me. Ok, on with my story of the last week and a half.
I made plans two Thursdays ago to meet up with a friend of mine and go clothes shopping. I was going to meet her in a town about thirty minutes west of where we live so that we could hit several stores in one evening. Anyway, the night before I get a call from him, asking me if I can come over Thursday during the day to help him out. He lives in a town about 30 minutes north of me, but no big deal, I can do both. So, I head out there, hold down the fort at this place while he takes the locks to get them re-keyed, clean up a little because he has just moved in and wants to wipe down all the surfaces etc. He gets back, we do our "thing" and all is well. I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave so we just hang out in bed, talking and stuff. I tell him that my aunt that has been sick forever took a turn for the worse, he tenderly strokes my hair, calls me sweetie, tells me how sorry he is, and suggests that I make sure to make some time to spend with her. (This is one of the things about him that I love, that most women would probably hate, he tends to try to come up with a possible solution to every problem.) When he is sweet and tender like that, I fall a little more in love. Stupid, yes. Impossible not too. Yes.
I also tell him about a little get together with my friends, none of whom he has ever met, for Saturday night and ask him to come. He says maybe, if he doesn't end up having his son, he will come out. This is where that whole premonition thing comes into play. I woke up Saturday morning and knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would not be coming. I wasn't upset at all. I just figured that he would call or text later and let me know, no big deal. At about 5 on Saturday I get the text that he can't make it but that he hopes I have a good time, that he did end up having his son afterall. This is where I did a stupid thing. A stupid thing that weighed heavily on me for ohhh about a week. I replied to his text with, "I know. Have a good night."
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!!!! About 2 minutes later my phone was ringing and I could tell he was not impressed. He took the response as angry and I had to spend the next five minutes convincing him that I was not angry at all but that I had just had another one of those premonitions and so I was just sincerely telling him to have a good night with his son. So, on Sunday, we talked for a few minutes and I thought things were ok. They seemed ok. He hung up to put his boy to bed and I honestly did not expect to hear from him again for a few days. Then, on Monday morning I get a voicemail, "hey, call me." I call him back and leave a message, telling him when I would be available. No return call. Later that I evening I send him a text. Nothing... The next night I try him again, no answer. In my mind I start thinking things over and I begin to panic. What if he is pissed about the Saturday night conversation? What if I missed something entirely? Why in the world would he ask me to call him and then just nor respond? This went on not just one day, not two days, but for six days. After day four I started bracing myself for the worst, that maybe he was just done. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time he walked away from me...
So, it is Sunday night. I am trying to focus on school work. I hear my phone go off. I reach for it, see his name on the text message, and feel myself get a little panicky. The text says,
HIM: "How's my ____?" Is there a reason u r depriving me of u?"
Ummm, confused much? Yes, yes I was. Even worse, I was crying. No, I was sobbing. It was like all of the fear that I had been dealing with all week just gushed out of my body.
ME: "I don't think that is fair. I am not the one doing the deprivation. You ignored my calls, text, and message. Not the other way around. I miss you."
Well, that got him.
HIM: "what? who? when? I'm confused? But I miss you too!"
ME: "you called me on monday, I returned the call and left a message, sent you a text later that night, and tried you tuesday. You didn't respond."
HIM: "the other ____ must have had my phone. He doesn't relay messages very well. lol."
ME: "If I were you I would not let him have my phone anymore, at least not where I am concerned because I don't like to be ignored."
HIM: "That is exactly why I miss my _______!"
ME: "Then make some plans to see me because I miss you too, a lot!"
And then there was a phone call and plans have been made and in less that 48 hours I am going to go see him. The thing is, I feel like I am stuck in this weird place. We have been, ummm, sleeping together for over four months now. When we are together there is snuggling, there have been overnights, most often there is sleeping involved, there are long talks, personal talks, there have been 3 hour phone conversations and some talk of introducing him to my son. This is not your typical friends with benfits scenario and we have both admitted that it is different. The thing is, back in early December, he told me that he could never BE with me. I am feeling like maybe it is time to revisit that, but I am scared shitless that his answer, even after everything, will still be the same and that if he thinks that I NEED more he is going to freak out and step away. Even this within itself is not so bad, except I do NEED him. He offers a companionship that I haven't had in years. I need the physical closeness of the snuggling and the sleeping, I need the sweet, gentle way that he sweeps the hair out of my eyes to look at me. I need the moments when I am lying there next to him and I open my eyes and catch him looking at me. I don't know what he is thinking when he does that but I like to imagine it is good. I NEED all of that right now.
Is it worth the risk to possibly find out that maybe he has changed him mind a little bit? I have no idea. No idea. I am scared to death to lose one of the few things that really makes me happy right now, but I am also scared of holding onto a hope that is ridiculous and has no potential. Oh dear, oh my, I am a hot mess.
What he said: "You are too nice. I could never date you because I would always feel like I was doing something wrong."
What I should have said: "Or you could be smart and do something that is so right."
Oh, and can someone...anyone explain to me why he referred to me as his twice? I mean, if he doesn't want me, how can he claim any sort of ownership?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)