The Truth Shall Set You Free...Right?

After that first night together, I realized that I was going to have to come clean and tell him the truth. I was going to have to tell him that all of those years ago I had loved him, and that I had lied. I also knew it was going to have to happen soon, because he had asked me how I had not become emotionally attached to him when we were younger. I lied through my teeth and told him that I had loved him but was never in love with him. I mean, seriously, no way can you admit something that big over the phone. No way! So, I knew that if he stuck to what he said and really intended to stick around that I would have to tell him the truth.

But then, he didn't answer my texts or my one call. I did not go overboard on them either. I sent him two texts over the course of the week. They were upbeat, hey how you doing, that kind of thing. I am not a stalkerish kind of girl. Just not. Anyway, so he didn't answer them and I must confess, I lost hope in him. I was so disappointed. There was a part of me that thought the second chance was too good to be true, and then there was a part of me that was wondering why he bothered to call the day after if he was just going to ignore me. To say that I was a bit despondent would be putting it mildly. He did finally shoot me a text, saying that his life had been nuts but that he was definitely still planning on coming over for the night that we had already planned. So, I sucked it up, set it aside, and began to look forward to that date...almost two full weeks away.

Then, a few days before he was supposed to come over, he sent me a text. He was at work and couldn't really talk, but in the series of texts that were sent back and forth there was no doubt that he was ready to see me again. On the day of, he called to ask about middle of the night snacks, because we would be working up a hunger. After he hung up the phone I realized this was really going to happen. He was definitely coming and OMG, I was going to have to tell him the truth. Boy was I scared.

He pulled his car into the garage a little after nine that evening and my body just lit on fire. He came into the door, set his bag on the ground and backed me up against the wall. There was no hesitation this time, at all. We wanted each other, it was primal, and it was on. I wish that I could explain the effect he has on me. I literally can't breathe normally when he starts to touch me. He told me that night that he could feel my blood pressure rise as he got closer to me. There has never been another man that has made me feel like that, breathless and out of my head with excitement, not ever.

There was sex, lots and lots of sex that night. After the fifth time, he was getting hungry, so we got up to cook. I showed him my breakfast trick and made pancakes from scratch. As I was cooking and we were talking, what I found out is that our tastes are very, very similar. The stuff in my kitchen was most of the stuff he likes. We sat down to eat our meal and we talked a lot. We spent almost an hour talking. He shared with me more about the long distance relationship. He told me that he had also been seeing someone else here in town (keep this in mind, it will come up later) and that two of his exes from the past had looked him up recently. I know, I know...this is when I should have asked him to leave, but I couldn't. Dumb love. Anyway, we talked about our kids and our exes. We just talked, alot. Then we went back to the bedroom and I started giving him a massage. In the midst of that my opportunity arose, and I told him that I needed to tell him the truth. I told him that all of those years ago I had loved him and that I had lied because I knew that he had loved her and it would not do any of us any good for the truth to come out.

This conversation led to him feeling terrible. He told me that had he known he would have handled things differently and that he had never wanted to hurt me. He asked questions about specific things that we had done, and I explained to him that I had done some of them as a way to show him that I loved him without telling him, that it was the reason I had not done those same things with anyone else. When this conversation was over, he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. It was almost like he was thinking over the past and maybe my confession shed some light on things for him.

I was afraid that once I had admitted all of that, that he would want to leave. That he would be afraid that it would happen again and decide it was just better to walk away. But, he didn't. He stayed, and there was more sex. It was altered though. The only way to describe it is more intimate. At one point, we decided to leave the protection off. (I know, not smart, I don't need a lecture on this.) The thing is, back when we were kids, that never ever happened. He ALWAYS used one, without fail. So, to me, his suggestion that we go without was a surprise but it also had me wondering if maybe my confession had shifted something within him, did he have feelings for me too? In the morning, while we were still in bed, I told him that he had surprised me. He asked about what, and I told him that it surprised me that he had asked to go glove free. He told me that he had surprised himself too. This moment was perhaps my first giant mistake because I assumed that the choice to do that implied something more than it did.

He had planned on leaving early in the morning because he needed to get to work. He had his alarm set for 8am. He did not want to leave, at all, and stayed with me until 10:45. I was sad to watch him go. So sad, but I did believe that he would be back again. I just had no way to know when.

What he said, "I need to end it with her, don't I?"
What I should have said, "You need to realize that I am the awesomeness that is just right for you, and I am right here, right now."

You Still Want to Come Over?

My nerves were so completely on edge. I could not believe that after all of this time I was going to see him. So much had changed over the years. I wondered if he would still be interested in me, this older and fatter version of me. I wondered if he was nervous too. I wondered if he would still want me, after all of this time, would he look the same, would my heart nearly explode when I saw him? I was sitting there, in the parking lot of the restaurant, almost sick with anticipation, when he pulled up. We got out of our cars, he came around his, and I really saw him. Yeah, it all came back. I was so weak in the knees, and when he put his arms around me to hug me I knew it was all over again.

We had planned to eat dinner and then, after, he was going to come to my place. There was no question for either of us what would go down at my place, once we both got there, but there was always a question in my mind about whether or not we would get there. I felt certain that there was a high probability that he would change his mind after seeing that I had packed on 70 pounds or that I wasn't as cute as I had been at 19 years old. So, once the plates had been cleared, I mustered up the courage and asked him if he still wanted to come over. To my delight he said yes, and we were on our way. I was so nervous on the drive home that I am not sure how I made it there in one piece.

I let him in the house, and turned away from him to head toward the light switch, when I felt his hands around my waist and his hips pressing against me, and I panicked. I literally ran away from him to the other room to get the correct lighting taken care of. I gave myself a pep talk..."surrender to this you idiot, it is the second chance you have always wanted with him." So I moved toward him, I could feel my body heat rising and my breathing change. He pulled me in close to his body. I could feel his hips, his chest, his thighs pressed against me and then he put his lips on mine, and I was a goner. No memory can ever compare to the real thing and in that moment, in that first kiss (again) every fear and misgiving melted away. I surrendered to him, and for the first time in twelve years, I felt connected again. It was like exchanging energy with another person, one body melds into the other, where one ends and one begins is a foreign concept. In that moment the intimacy took on a life of its own. It was everything I remembered, but it was more, because my hunger was more.

We had, ummmm, several rounds that evening. We slept a little in between and we talked a little in between and in those moments when we were talking he told me that he thought it was funny that we were seeing each other on a Thursday, because that had always been our day together. This is a detail that I absolutely could not remember, but he does. He recalled several specific detail, things I had worn, how we had separated, details about what I had liked. In that moment with him I believed for the first time ever that maybe what had been between us had meant more to him then I had ever realized.

I was next to him in bed, his arms wrapped around me, knowing that he needed to go home so he could be ready for work in the morning but man was I scared to send him away. He had made a point of telling me before hand that he was not interested in having a one night stand with me, and that he would definitely be coming back, but I had my doubts. I think being around so many jerky men before I got married and then being so emotionally abused by my ex-husband really left me wondering. Which, was entirely unfair to him, because he had never treated me badly. Still, fair or not, I was scared.

I had to let him go though, so I did. I kissed him good-bye and he told me he would to talk to me soon, and he came through. He called me the next evening to make sure I was still alright with the sex that had happened the night before. I assured him that I was. We had made plans to see each other three weeks later, but I told him I didn't really want to wait that long. He said he would see what he could do, we said our good-byes, and hung up the phone. It was a very good twenty four hours in what had otherwise been a very crummy year. I wanted more of that...a lot more.

What he said, "FWB things never work, how did you keep from getting emotionally invested back then?"
What I should have said, " I did get invested, I loved you more than life itself."

I will tell you how I actually answered his question in my next post...

And Now For The New Beginning.

May 13th of 2009 marked the beginning of a new stage in my life. I left my crummy marriage and never looked back. Seriously, I have not had one moment of regret, not one. I spent the first few months focusing on my son and getting us settled in our new place. Then in August I had a girls night, and two of my friends from high school came over. After a few drinks and dinner we cut loose pretty good and started talking about past relationships. One of them asked me who was the best I had ever been with. I didn't even have to hesitate. I told them about my boy. About how wild we had been together and how being with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The conversation moved on, but I didn't. All of those memories that I had tucked away came flooding back.

I admit, there was a part of me that thought it would be a bad idea to try to find him. I mean, I had only been separated a little over three months, and if he rejected me it would have been devastating. Of course, the part of me that holds on to hope couldn't let it go, so I looked him up on a certain social networking site. Not only was he there, he was back in my town, and listed as single...My hands were shaking when I clicked to request his friendship. I added a note, asking him if he remembered me, and then I waited for a reply. I got it, the same day. He accepted my friend request and started an email conversation assuring me that he absolutely did remember me. We talked about our kids, our failed marriages, where I was going to school, where he was working, and those wild nights from when we were younger. And once again I felt it, the spark, the need, it was all still there.

After several emails, things slowed down a bit. It had been a few weeks since I had heard from him. I was getting ready to go on a mini vacstion/girls weekend in late September when I noticed that he happened to be on that social networking site. I opened up a chat with him and we talked for a few minutes, then, right before I got off the computer, he asked when he was going to get to kiss me again. My heart was pounding...this was my chance. I played it cool but basically told him to name the time and the place. He told me to enjoy my weekend but to give him a head's up when I was back in town so that we could make arrangements to get together. I had the hardest time focusing on anything that weekend with the girls. It was ridiculous how excited I was just at the prospect of seeing him again.

When I got back in town we IMed a little bit. Well, for the sake of honesty I am just going to go ahead and admit that we had FBsex. We made arrangements to see each other the next Thursday night, it was the next time I was free. We talked on the phone a few times that week. I was filled with that same love for him, that same old anticipation and excitement.

But, there was a damper on these conversations. He told me that there was a long distance relationship. That it was a long-term/long distance relationship and that he had made it clear to her that he would be seeing other people because long distance couldn't work out. In the back of my mind I wondered why this woman would consent to that, but I didn't know the details and he had always been honest with me, so I chose to trust him. What I know now, months later, is that he did make that clear to her when their relationship started years ago and that she no longer sees their relationship that way, but he does. We will revisit this topic as I go through some of the things that have happened and why I am so utterly confused by some of the things he does.

What he said,"I stay with her because she supported me through a really tough time."
What I should have said, "If anyone every stayed with me for that reason alone I would hate it, and would rather that they let me go."

He Was My Strongest Weakness

I was 18 when I met him, saw him actually…he walked into the room where I was and my heart stopped for a moment. He literally took my breath away. Of course, I found out soon after that he had a girlfriend, someone that we worked with, someone that I had already been getting to know. Now, I am not a home wrecker or a cheater, it is not in my nature, but I could not stop thinking about him. I learned that their relationship was somewhat tenuous, that she would get angry about silly stuff and “break up” with him or punish him by treating him badly. So, as much as everyone knew that he “belonged” to her, their relationship was definitely an on again/off again thing.

I wish I could remember the particulars of it, how it came about, but I can’t. I just know that after several months of longing, during an “off again” period in their relationship, we started a mutually agreed upon friends with benefits relationship. He loved her, and I knew it, but I could not deny my desire for him, so I plunged in with both feet and didn’t look back. It was amazing, beyond anything I had ever experienced. It went on for a few months. It was intense and passionate, wild and new. We did things that neither of us had ever done before, and as it turns out, have never done again. It was special and sad all at the same time. I never told him that I loved him, not once. I maintained an air of indifference as best I could so that he would not suspect it. I did this because I knew that he would not want to hurt me, and because I knew that he would end it.

I am sure you can imagine what happened next, she came back to him, and he broke off our friendship. Not entirely of course, just the intimacy that I had been surviving on for those few months. I gave him up, without a fight. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I would treat him better, and that he should be with me…but I knew that was futile, so I let him go. I still saw him, them, almost everyday. Working together made life miserable for me on many levels. There is something so pitiful about a broken heart, but even more so when that broken heart is a secret because only a few people had any idea that you were ever in love to begin with. Shortly after we found out that our division was closing down and that we could either transfer or find a new job. They chose to transfer and get married. I chose to find another job. That was it…he was gone.

I never forgot him. My marriage was terrible almost from the get go. After a few rough experiences I rushed into a relationship with my ex-husband based on his words of love, and found out soon after that words were all he had and there was no action behind it. On the nights when I would be in bed with him, I would think back to my boy and our time together. I would wonder if he was happy, or if he was lying in bed with her feeling just as lonely as I did. Don’t get me wrong, I hoped he was happy, I just had watched her manipulate him for so long that I didn’t have high hopes. Eventually I stopped thinking about him so much. It got to maybe only a few times a year. I would hear a song or smell a man’s cologne that would remind me of him. The good memories would come crashing back in a rush and I would relive some of those moments in my mind. In those moments I was happy again, comfortable, content. I was back in his apartment, lying next to him, smelling his cologne, tracing the pattern on his sheets, and smiling at my boy, sound asleep. Happy.


I don't have a "What He Said/What I Should Have Said" for this post, because so many of the details are sketchy and because I have no regrets about that time with him. I would not want to change it, I would not undo it. It was one of the best times of my life.

On Loneliness

Before I dive into this whole story I want to preface it by trying to explain that sometimes loneliness can literally take on a life of its own.

There is this song by Sara Evans called Tonight and in it she sings that "There's just somethings only lonely understands" and man is that ever true. This entire blog may seem insane or ridiculous or nonsensical to some people. There are people that will judge me and think that I am easy. They can if they want. They have never endured my particular brand of loneliness because they have not walked a minute in my shoes. For others though, the deep inherent need will ring true because they have endured their own intense loneliness and they have had their own experiences with trying to numb the pain.




The truth of the matter is that once upon a time, almost 12 years ago, I loved a boy that did not love me back. We were friends with benefits, and I knew he loved someone else. When his relationship with that someone else started up again, our special friendship stopped. Letting him go without a fight was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but I did it because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Now, 12 years later, that boy is a man, and I am in love with him again and I am basically in the same situation with him again. As much as I know it is ridiculous to continue on with him, I can not stop. Who can walk away from the person that they love if there is even so much as a glimmer of hope? Who?

What he said: "I am sort of seeing someone in another state, so this can't be a serious thing between us."
What I should have said: "It was nice talking to you again, enjoy your life."
Yeah, the loneliness got the best of me on that one...

I know, I know...Start at the Beginning

But I can't, not yet, because I am here now, and now needs to get put out there so it is not so bottled up inside of me.

First things first...I love him. I loved him 12 years ago. He moved on, I did too (after awhile.) Fast forward 12 years, one look in his eyes, and I loved him again. How is that even fair? I mean really, shouldn't I at least get a grace period or something? Whatever, no use complaining over something that can't be any different than what it is. The thing is, he never felt that way about me. Not 12 years ago, and not three months ago when we saw each other for the first time again. He just didn't.

So, now it has been three months, (I will get back to the other stuff) and I have watched He's Just Not That Into You and The Ugly Truth and I have thought about things and come to the conclusion that I am indeed the rule, and not the exception. That I am that girl that will always love him, regardless... and he is that guy that will be happy to sleep with me as long as it is not too complicated. I suppose I should be ashamed about that, but I am not. When he is here with me, I am content. When he is here with me, nothing else matters. I suppose that you might call that trading in my pride for a few hours of contentment. Who needs pride anyway?

But then, when he was here a few days ago, something happened, something that I never expected, something that leaves all of my previously drawn conclusions still sort of intact but definitely not as set in concrete as I thought they were. He told me that he loved me. Sounds good, right? What is the problem? ADULT MATERIAL coming up......He said it while I was giving him a blow job. What does that even mean? You can't do that during sex of any nature for the first time. Right? Doesn't it kind of negate things? Here is the thing, not only did he say it, but he said, "I love you so much,..." and he used my name. So, it was said while we were having sex but at the same time it was so intentionally said, using my name, that I am even more confused about what it means.

I know you must be wondering why I don't just ask him what it meant. Well, see, I kind of froze up in the moment. I mean, I know he knows that I heard him, because it screwed up my rhythm, but I didn't stop, I didn't demand answers, I said absolutely nothing. I froze...panicked if you will, and then I just finished the job and rolled over, wondering what had happened. He, of course, fell asleep. Then it felt like the moment had passed and then well, I have no idea. This happened on Tuesday. It is Sunday, I have no idea how I am going to approach this and, at this point, how he will respond. God, I hate it when I do stupid shit...

So, for the record, I love him, always have, he never has loved me but maybe does now??? and I am an idiot that just let the effing moment pass me by...

And yes, this is infinitely more complicated then just this one event, I just had to get this one out of me before I exploded from the complication of it all.

So, in reference to the title...
What he said, "I love you so much..."
What I should have said, "WTF? While I am giving you head, really?"