The Truth Shall Set You Free...Right?

After that first night together, I realized that I was going to have to come clean and tell him the truth. I was going to have to tell him that all of those years ago I had loved him, and that I had lied. I also knew it was going to have to happen soon, because he had asked me how I had not become emotionally attached to him when we were younger. I lied through my teeth and told him that I had loved him but was never in love with him. I mean, seriously, no way can you admit something that big over the phone. No way! So, I knew that if he stuck to what he said and really intended to stick around that I would have to tell him the truth.

But then, he didn't answer my texts or my one call. I did not go overboard on them either. I sent him two texts over the course of the week. They were upbeat, hey how you doing, that kind of thing. I am not a stalkerish kind of girl. Just not. Anyway, so he didn't answer them and I must confess, I lost hope in him. I was so disappointed. There was a part of me that thought the second chance was too good to be true, and then there was a part of me that was wondering why he bothered to call the day after if he was just going to ignore me. To say that I was a bit despondent would be putting it mildly. He did finally shoot me a text, saying that his life had been nuts but that he was definitely still planning on coming over for the night that we had already planned. So, I sucked it up, set it aside, and began to look forward to that date...almost two full weeks away.

Then, a few days before he was supposed to come over, he sent me a text. He was at work and couldn't really talk, but in the series of texts that were sent back and forth there was no doubt that he was ready to see me again. On the day of, he called to ask about middle of the night snacks, because we would be working up a hunger. After he hung up the phone I realized this was really going to happen. He was definitely coming and OMG, I was going to have to tell him the truth. Boy was I scared.

He pulled his car into the garage a little after nine that evening and my body just lit on fire. He came into the door, set his bag on the ground and backed me up against the wall. There was no hesitation this time, at all. We wanted each other, it was primal, and it was on. I wish that I could explain the effect he has on me. I literally can't breathe normally when he starts to touch me. He told me that night that he could feel my blood pressure rise as he got closer to me. There has never been another man that has made me feel like that, breathless and out of my head with excitement, not ever.

There was sex, lots and lots of sex that night. After the fifth time, he was getting hungry, so we got up to cook. I showed him my breakfast trick and made pancakes from scratch. As I was cooking and we were talking, what I found out is that our tastes are very, very similar. The stuff in my kitchen was most of the stuff he likes. We sat down to eat our meal and we talked a lot. We spent almost an hour talking. He shared with me more about the long distance relationship. He told me that he had also been seeing someone else here in town (keep this in mind, it will come up later) and that two of his exes from the past had looked him up recently. I know, I know...this is when I should have asked him to leave, but I couldn't. Dumb love. Anyway, we talked about our kids and our exes. We just talked, alot. Then we went back to the bedroom and I started giving him a massage. In the midst of that my opportunity arose, and I told him that I needed to tell him the truth. I told him that all of those years ago I had loved him and that I had lied because I knew that he had loved her and it would not do any of us any good for the truth to come out.

This conversation led to him feeling terrible. He told me that had he known he would have handled things differently and that he had never wanted to hurt me. He asked questions about specific things that we had done, and I explained to him that I had done some of them as a way to show him that I loved him without telling him, that it was the reason I had not done those same things with anyone else. When this conversation was over, he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. It was almost like he was thinking over the past and maybe my confession shed some light on things for him.

I was afraid that once I had admitted all of that, that he would want to leave. That he would be afraid that it would happen again and decide it was just better to walk away. But, he didn't. He stayed, and there was more sex. It was altered though. The only way to describe it is more intimate. At one point, we decided to leave the protection off. (I know, not smart, I don't need a lecture on this.) The thing is, back when we were kids, that never ever happened. He ALWAYS used one, without fail. So, to me, his suggestion that we go without was a surprise but it also had me wondering if maybe my confession had shifted something within him, did he have feelings for me too? In the morning, while we were still in bed, I told him that he had surprised me. He asked about what, and I told him that it surprised me that he had asked to go glove free. He told me that he had surprised himself too. This moment was perhaps my first giant mistake because I assumed that the choice to do that implied something more than it did.

He had planned on leaving early in the morning because he needed to get to work. He had his alarm set for 8am. He did not want to leave, at all, and stayed with me until 10:45. I was sad to watch him go. So sad, but I did believe that he would be back again. I just had no way to know when.

What he said, "I need to end it with her, don't I?"
What I should have said, "You need to realize that I am the awesomeness that is just right for you, and I am right here, right now."