On Loneliness

Before I dive into this whole story I want to preface it by trying to explain that sometimes loneliness can literally take on a life of its own.

There is this song by Sara Evans called Tonight and in it she sings that "There's just somethings only lonely understands" and man is that ever true. This entire blog may seem insane or ridiculous or nonsensical to some people. There are people that will judge me and think that I am easy. They can if they want. They have never endured my particular brand of loneliness because they have not walked a minute in my shoes. For others though, the deep inherent need will ring true because they have endured their own intense loneliness and they have had their own experiences with trying to numb the pain.




The truth of the matter is that once upon a time, almost 12 years ago, I loved a boy that did not love me back. We were friends with benefits, and I knew he loved someone else. When his relationship with that someone else started up again, our special friendship stopped. Letting him go without a fight was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but I did it because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Now, 12 years later, that boy is a man, and I am in love with him again and I am basically in the same situation with him again. As much as I know it is ridiculous to continue on with him, I can not stop. Who can walk away from the person that they love if there is even so much as a glimmer of hope? Who?

What he said: "I am sort of seeing someone in another state, so this can't be a serious thing between us."
What I should have said: "It was nice talking to you again, enjoy your life."
Yeah, the loneliness got the best of me on that one...