And Now For The New Beginning.

May 13th of 2009 marked the beginning of a new stage in my life. I left my crummy marriage and never looked back. Seriously, I have not had one moment of regret, not one. I spent the first few months focusing on my son and getting us settled in our new place. Then in August I had a girls night, and two of my friends from high school came over. After a few drinks and dinner we cut loose pretty good and started talking about past relationships. One of them asked me who was the best I had ever been with. I didn't even have to hesitate. I told them about my boy. About how wild we had been together and how being with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The conversation moved on, but I didn't. All of those memories that I had tucked away came flooding back.

I admit, there was a part of me that thought it would be a bad idea to try to find him. I mean, I had only been separated a little over three months, and if he rejected me it would have been devastating. Of course, the part of me that holds on to hope couldn't let it go, so I looked him up on a certain social networking site. Not only was he there, he was back in my town, and listed as single...My hands were shaking when I clicked to request his friendship. I added a note, asking him if he remembered me, and then I waited for a reply. I got it, the same day. He accepted my friend request and started an email conversation assuring me that he absolutely did remember me. We talked about our kids, our failed marriages, where I was going to school, where he was working, and those wild nights from when we were younger. And once again I felt it, the spark, the need, it was all still there.

After several emails, things slowed down a bit. It had been a few weeks since I had heard from him. I was getting ready to go on a mini vacstion/girls weekend in late September when I noticed that he happened to be on that social networking site. I opened up a chat with him and we talked for a few minutes, then, right before I got off the computer, he asked when he was going to get to kiss me again. My heart was pounding...this was my chance. I played it cool but basically told him to name the time and the place. He told me to enjoy my weekend but to give him a head's up when I was back in town so that we could make arrangements to get together. I had the hardest time focusing on anything that weekend with the girls. It was ridiculous how excited I was just at the prospect of seeing him again.

When I got back in town we IMed a little bit. Well, for the sake of honesty I am just going to go ahead and admit that we had FBsex. We made arrangements to see each other the next Thursday night, it was the next time I was free. We talked on the phone a few times that week. I was filled with that same love for him, that same old anticipation and excitement.

But, there was a damper on these conversations. He told me that there was a long distance relationship. That it was a long-term/long distance relationship and that he had made it clear to her that he would be seeing other people because long distance couldn't work out. In the back of my mind I wondered why this woman would consent to that, but I didn't know the details and he had always been honest with me, so I chose to trust him. What I know now, months later, is that he did make that clear to her when their relationship started years ago and that she no longer sees their relationship that way, but he does. We will revisit this topic as I go through some of the things that have happened and why I am so utterly confused by some of the things he does.

What he said,"I stay with her because she supported me through a really tough time."
What I should have said, "If anyone every stayed with me for that reason alone I would hate it, and would rather that they let me go."