Ok, back to the story...
About a week after our sleepover, he called me. He told me that he wanted to see me again, could I spare another Saturday night? We made plans for another sleepover and then spent almost three hours on the phone. He doesn't typically spend a lot of time chatting it up on the phone, so this was pretty out of character for him. It was good though.
Two weeks was too long, in my opinion, and I made sure he knew it when he walked in the door. It was like the inner sex kitten in me came rawring out with a vengeance. I turned on some music and took over and he just kind of sat there for a second, bewildered, be recovered quickly though, and the sex was literally off the charts good. When we were done he looked at me and said, "what was that?" I told him that I just wanted him to know how glad I was to see him. He assured me that I had done a stellar job of making my point.
We spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying each other. When I fell asleep he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled one of my legs in between his to sleep. It was one of the sweetest gestures, I felt like he was telling me that he needed to be sure that I didn't go anywhere, that I stay right next to him. I hadn't been sleeping well for weeks, but that night, tangled up with him, I slept so well. In the morning, we had the same situation. He was going to leave for work early, but instead it was almost noon when he walked out the door. He told me that I made it hard for him to want to leave. We stayed next to each other on the couch, watching tv for a few hours. I didn't even care what was on. I was just content to be with him, hanging out. Later on that day I got a phone call, making plans to see me again in a week.
Notice how things are progressing here? From three week intervals to one week intervals? Seems like a good sign. Also, my schedule with my son changed up around this time and my Thursday nights opened up. This made it so much easier on both of us because his Thursday nights are usually open too.
What he said, "You make it so hard for me to want to leave."
What I should have said, "well, grab a clue buddy, that is the kind of woman you should want to be with; the kind that makes you feel content just in her presence."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Still here, still in love, still stupid
Please ignore the typos/grammar issues it is two in the morning and I am wiped out and for some reason I can't find spellcheck on blogger. Hello? I used to use it, where did it go?
I have a lot going on right now, and not a ton of time to post, but I thought I would toss an update out there from this week. Yes, I know it is not in chronological order, but what the hell? I mean, something happened this week that I kind of need to get off my chest. Sorry, it ended up longer than I expected.
First of all, I can't remember if I mentioned this yet or not, but I have premonitions about him all the time. I mean, all the time. I do not have them for other people very often, rarely in fact. I don't even have them for my kiddo, so this is very, very strange for me. Ok, on with my story of the last week and a half.
I made plans two Thursdays ago to meet up with a friend of mine and go clothes shopping. I was going to meet her in a town about thirty minutes west of where we live so that we could hit several stores in one evening. Anyway, the night before I get a call from him, asking me if I can come over Thursday during the day to help him out. He lives in a town about 30 minutes north of me, but no big deal, I can do both. So, I head out there, hold down the fort at this place while he takes the locks to get them re-keyed, clean up a little because he has just moved in and wants to wipe down all the surfaces etc. He gets back, we do our "thing" and all is well. I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave so we just hang out in bed, talking and stuff. I tell him that my aunt that has been sick forever took a turn for the worse, he tenderly strokes my hair, calls me sweetie, tells me how sorry he is, and suggests that I make sure to make some time to spend with her. (This is one of the things about him that I love, that most women would probably hate, he tends to try to come up with a possible solution to every problem.) When he is sweet and tender like that, I fall a little more in love. Stupid, yes. Impossible not too. Yes.
I also tell him about a little get together with my friends, none of whom he has ever met, for Saturday night and ask him to come. He says maybe, if he doesn't end up having his son, he will come out. This is where that whole premonition thing comes into play. I woke up Saturday morning and knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would not be coming. I wasn't upset at all. I just figured that he would call or text later and let me know, no big deal. At about 5 on Saturday I get the text that he can't make it but that he hopes I have a good time, that he did end up having his son afterall. This is where I did a stupid thing. A stupid thing that weighed heavily on me for ohhh about a week. I replied to his text with, "I know. Have a good night."
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!!!! About 2 minutes later my phone was ringing and I could tell he was not impressed. He took the response as angry and I had to spend the next five minutes convincing him that I was not angry at all but that I had just had another one of those premonitions and so I was just sincerely telling him to have a good night with his son. So, on Sunday, we talked for a few minutes and I thought things were ok. They seemed ok. He hung up to put his boy to bed and I honestly did not expect to hear from him again for a few days. Then, on Monday morning I get a voicemail, "hey, call me." I call him back and leave a message, telling him when I would be available. No return call. Later that I evening I send him a text. Nothing... The next night I try him again, no answer. In my mind I start thinking things over and I begin to panic. What if he is pissed about the Saturday night conversation? What if I missed something entirely? Why in the world would he ask me to call him and then just nor respond? This went on not just one day, not two days, but for six days. After day four I started bracing myself for the worst, that maybe he was just done. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time he walked away from me...
So, it is Sunday night. I am trying to focus on school work. I hear my phone go off. I reach for it, see his name on the text message, and feel myself get a little panicky. The text says,
HIM: "How's my ____?" Is there a reason u r depriving me of u?"
Ummm, confused much? Yes, yes I was. Even worse, I was crying. No, I was sobbing. It was like all of the fear that I had been dealing with all week just gushed out of my body.
ME: "I don't think that is fair. I am not the one doing the deprivation. You ignored my calls, text, and message. Not the other way around. I miss you."
Well, that got him.
HIM: "what? who? when? I'm confused? But I miss you too!"
ME: "you called me on monday, I returned the call and left a message, sent you a text later that night, and tried you tuesday. You didn't respond."
HIM: "the other ____ must have had my phone. He doesn't relay messages very well. lol."
ME: "If I were you I would not let him have my phone anymore, at least not where I am concerned because I don't like to be ignored."
HIM: "That is exactly why I miss my _______!"
ME: "Then make some plans to see me because I miss you too, a lot!"
And then there was a phone call and plans have been made and in less that 48 hours I am going to go see him. The thing is, I feel like I am stuck in this weird place. We have been, ummm, sleeping together for over four months now. When we are together there is snuggling, there have been overnights, most often there is sleeping involved, there are long talks, personal talks, there have been 3 hour phone conversations and some talk of introducing him to my son. This is not your typical friends with benfits scenario and we have both admitted that it is different. The thing is, back in early December, he told me that he could never BE with me. I am feeling like maybe it is time to revisit that, but I am scared shitless that his answer, even after everything, will still be the same and that if he thinks that I NEED more he is going to freak out and step away. Even this within itself is not so bad, except I do NEED him. He offers a companionship that I haven't had in years. I need the physical closeness of the snuggling and the sleeping, I need the sweet, gentle way that he sweeps the hair out of my eyes to look at me. I need the moments when I am lying there next to him and I open my eyes and catch him looking at me. I don't know what he is thinking when he does that but I like to imagine it is good. I NEED all of that right now.
Is it worth the risk to possibly find out that maybe he has changed him mind a little bit? I have no idea. No idea. I am scared to death to lose one of the few things that really makes me happy right now, but I am also scared of holding onto a hope that is ridiculous and has no potential. Oh dear, oh my, I am a hot mess.
What he said: "You are too nice. I could never date you because I would always feel like I was doing something wrong."
What I should have said: "Or you could be smart and do something that is so right."
Oh, and can someone...anyone explain to me why he referred to me as his twice? I mean, if he doesn't want me, how can he claim any sort of ownership?
I have a lot going on right now, and not a ton of time to post, but I thought I would toss an update out there from this week. Yes, I know it is not in chronological order, but what the hell? I mean, something happened this week that I kind of need to get off my chest. Sorry, it ended up longer than I expected.
First of all, I can't remember if I mentioned this yet or not, but I have premonitions about him all the time. I mean, all the time. I do not have them for other people very often, rarely in fact. I don't even have them for my kiddo, so this is very, very strange for me. Ok, on with my story of the last week and a half.
I made plans two Thursdays ago to meet up with a friend of mine and go clothes shopping. I was going to meet her in a town about thirty minutes west of where we live so that we could hit several stores in one evening. Anyway, the night before I get a call from him, asking me if I can come over Thursday during the day to help him out. He lives in a town about 30 minutes north of me, but no big deal, I can do both. So, I head out there, hold down the fort at this place while he takes the locks to get them re-keyed, clean up a little because he has just moved in and wants to wipe down all the surfaces etc. He gets back, we do our "thing" and all is well. I have about 30 minutes before I have to leave so we just hang out in bed, talking and stuff. I tell him that my aunt that has been sick forever took a turn for the worse, he tenderly strokes my hair, calls me sweetie, tells me how sorry he is, and suggests that I make sure to make some time to spend with her. (This is one of the things about him that I love, that most women would probably hate, he tends to try to come up with a possible solution to every problem.) When he is sweet and tender like that, I fall a little more in love. Stupid, yes. Impossible not too. Yes.
I also tell him about a little get together with my friends, none of whom he has ever met, for Saturday night and ask him to come. He says maybe, if he doesn't end up having his son, he will come out. This is where that whole premonition thing comes into play. I woke up Saturday morning and knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he would not be coming. I wasn't upset at all. I just figured that he would call or text later and let me know, no big deal. At about 5 on Saturday I get the text that he can't make it but that he hopes I have a good time, that he did end up having his son afterall. This is where I did a stupid thing. A stupid thing that weighed heavily on me for ohhh about a week. I replied to his text with, "I know. Have a good night."
Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!!!! About 2 minutes later my phone was ringing and I could tell he was not impressed. He took the response as angry and I had to spend the next five minutes convincing him that I was not angry at all but that I had just had another one of those premonitions and so I was just sincerely telling him to have a good night with his son. So, on Sunday, we talked for a few minutes and I thought things were ok. They seemed ok. He hung up to put his boy to bed and I honestly did not expect to hear from him again for a few days. Then, on Monday morning I get a voicemail, "hey, call me." I call him back and leave a message, telling him when I would be available. No return call. Later that I evening I send him a text. Nothing... The next night I try him again, no answer. In my mind I start thinking things over and I begin to panic. What if he is pissed about the Saturday night conversation? What if I missed something entirely? Why in the world would he ask me to call him and then just nor respond? This went on not just one day, not two days, but for six days. After day four I started bracing myself for the worst, that maybe he was just done. I mean, it wouldn't be the first time he walked away from me...
So, it is Sunday night. I am trying to focus on school work. I hear my phone go off. I reach for it, see his name on the text message, and feel myself get a little panicky. The text says,
HIM: "How's my ____?" Is there a reason u r depriving me of u?"
Ummm, confused much? Yes, yes I was. Even worse, I was crying. No, I was sobbing. It was like all of the fear that I had been dealing with all week just gushed out of my body.
ME: "I don't think that is fair. I am not the one doing the deprivation. You ignored my calls, text, and message. Not the other way around. I miss you."
Well, that got him.
HIM: "what? who? when? I'm confused? But I miss you too!"
ME: "you called me on monday, I returned the call and left a message, sent you a text later that night, and tried you tuesday. You didn't respond."
HIM: "the other ____ must have had my phone. He doesn't relay messages very well. lol."
ME: "If I were you I would not let him have my phone anymore, at least not where I am concerned because I don't like to be ignored."
HIM: "That is exactly why I miss my _______!"
ME: "Then make some plans to see me because I miss you too, a lot!"
And then there was a phone call and plans have been made and in less that 48 hours I am going to go see him. The thing is, I feel like I am stuck in this weird place. We have been, ummm, sleeping together for over four months now. When we are together there is snuggling, there have been overnights, most often there is sleeping involved, there are long talks, personal talks, there have been 3 hour phone conversations and some talk of introducing him to my son. This is not your typical friends with benfits scenario and we have both admitted that it is different. The thing is, back in early December, he told me that he could never BE with me. I am feeling like maybe it is time to revisit that, but I am scared shitless that his answer, even after everything, will still be the same and that if he thinks that I NEED more he is going to freak out and step away. Even this within itself is not so bad, except I do NEED him. He offers a companionship that I haven't had in years. I need the physical closeness of the snuggling and the sleeping, I need the sweet, gentle way that he sweeps the hair out of my eyes to look at me. I need the moments when I am lying there next to him and I open my eyes and catch him looking at me. I don't know what he is thinking when he does that but I like to imagine it is good. I NEED all of that right now.
Is it worth the risk to possibly find out that maybe he has changed him mind a little bit? I have no idea. No idea. I am scared to death to lose one of the few things that really makes me happy right now, but I am also scared of holding onto a hope that is ridiculous and has no potential. Oh dear, oh my, I am a hot mess.
What he said: "You are too nice. I could never date you because I would always feel like I was doing something wrong."
What I should have said: "Or you could be smart and do something that is so right."
Oh, and can someone...anyone explain to me why he referred to me as his twice? I mean, if he doesn't want me, how can he claim any sort of ownership?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Truth Shall Set You Free...Right?
After that first night together, I realized that I was going to have to come clean and tell him the truth. I was going to have to tell him that all of those years ago I had loved him, and that I had lied. I also knew it was going to have to happen soon, because he had asked me how I had not become emotionally attached to him when we were younger. I lied through my teeth and told him that I had loved him but was never in love with him. I mean, seriously, no way can you admit something that big over the phone. No way! So, I knew that if he stuck to what he said and really intended to stick around that I would have to tell him the truth.
But then, he didn't answer my texts or my one call. I did not go overboard on them either. I sent him two texts over the course of the week. They were upbeat, hey how you doing, that kind of thing. I am not a stalkerish kind of girl. Just not. Anyway, so he didn't answer them and I must confess, I lost hope in him. I was so disappointed. There was a part of me that thought the second chance was too good to be true, and then there was a part of me that was wondering why he bothered to call the day after if he was just going to ignore me. To say that I was a bit despondent would be putting it mildly. He did finally shoot me a text, saying that his life had been nuts but that he was definitely still planning on coming over for the night that we had already planned. So, I sucked it up, set it aside, and began to look forward to that date...almost two full weeks away.
Then, a few days before he was supposed to come over, he sent me a text. He was at work and couldn't really talk, but in the series of texts that were sent back and forth there was no doubt that he was ready to see me again. On the day of, he called to ask about middle of the night snacks, because we would be working up a hunger. After he hung up the phone I realized this was really going to happen. He was definitely coming and OMG, I was going to have to tell him the truth. Boy was I scared.
He pulled his car into the garage a little after nine that evening and my body just lit on fire. He came into the door, set his bag on the ground and backed me up against the wall. There was no hesitation this time, at all. We wanted each other, it was primal, and it was on. I wish that I could explain the effect he has on me. I literally can't breathe normally when he starts to touch me. He told me that night that he could feel my blood pressure rise as he got closer to me. There has never been another man that has made me feel like that, breathless and out of my head with excitement, not ever.
There was sex, lots and lots of sex that night. After the fifth time, he was getting hungry, so we got up to cook. I showed him my breakfast trick and made pancakes from scratch. As I was cooking and we were talking, what I found out is that our tastes are very, very similar. The stuff in my kitchen was most of the stuff he likes. We sat down to eat our meal and we talked a lot. We spent almost an hour talking. He shared with me more about the long distance relationship. He told me that he had also been seeing someone else here in town (keep this in mind, it will come up later) and that two of his exes from the past had looked him up recently. I know, I know...this is when I should have asked him to leave, but I couldn't. Dumb love. Anyway, we talked about our kids and our exes. We just talked, alot. Then we went back to the bedroom and I started giving him a massage. In the midst of that my opportunity arose, and I told him that I needed to tell him the truth. I told him that all of those years ago I had loved him and that I had lied because I knew that he had loved her and it would not do any of us any good for the truth to come out.
This conversation led to him feeling terrible. He told me that had he known he would have handled things differently and that he had never wanted to hurt me. He asked questions about specific things that we had done, and I explained to him that I had done some of them as a way to show him that I loved him without telling him, that it was the reason I had not done those same things with anyone else. When this conversation was over, he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. It was almost like he was thinking over the past and maybe my confession shed some light on things for him.
I was afraid that once I had admitted all of that, that he would want to leave. That he would be afraid that it would happen again and decide it was just better to walk away. But, he didn't. He stayed, and there was more sex. It was altered though. The only way to describe it is more intimate. At one point, we decided to leave the protection off. (I know, not smart, I don't need a lecture on this.) The thing is, back when we were kids, that never ever happened. He ALWAYS used one, without fail. So, to me, his suggestion that we go without was a surprise but it also had me wondering if maybe my confession had shifted something within him, did he have feelings for me too? In the morning, while we were still in bed, I told him that he had surprised me. He asked about what, and I told him that it surprised me that he had asked to go glove free. He told me that he had surprised himself too. This moment was perhaps my first giant mistake because I assumed that the choice to do that implied something more than it did.
He had planned on leaving early in the morning because he needed to get to work. He had his alarm set for 8am. He did not want to leave, at all, and stayed with me until 10:45. I was sad to watch him go. So sad, but I did believe that he would be back again. I just had no way to know when.
What he said, "I need to end it with her, don't I?"
What I should have said, "You need to realize that I am the awesomeness that is just right for you, and I am right here, right now."
But then, he didn't answer my texts or my one call. I did not go overboard on them either. I sent him two texts over the course of the week. They were upbeat, hey how you doing, that kind of thing. I am not a stalkerish kind of girl. Just not. Anyway, so he didn't answer them and I must confess, I lost hope in him. I was so disappointed. There was a part of me that thought the second chance was too good to be true, and then there was a part of me that was wondering why he bothered to call the day after if he was just going to ignore me. To say that I was a bit despondent would be putting it mildly. He did finally shoot me a text, saying that his life had been nuts but that he was definitely still planning on coming over for the night that we had already planned. So, I sucked it up, set it aside, and began to look forward to that date...almost two full weeks away.
Then, a few days before he was supposed to come over, he sent me a text. He was at work and couldn't really talk, but in the series of texts that were sent back and forth there was no doubt that he was ready to see me again. On the day of, he called to ask about middle of the night snacks, because we would be working up a hunger. After he hung up the phone I realized this was really going to happen. He was definitely coming and OMG, I was going to have to tell him the truth. Boy was I scared.
He pulled his car into the garage a little after nine that evening and my body just lit on fire. He came into the door, set his bag on the ground and backed me up against the wall. There was no hesitation this time, at all. We wanted each other, it was primal, and it was on. I wish that I could explain the effect he has on me. I literally can't breathe normally when he starts to touch me. He told me that night that he could feel my blood pressure rise as he got closer to me. There has never been another man that has made me feel like that, breathless and out of my head with excitement, not ever.
There was sex, lots and lots of sex that night. After the fifth time, he was getting hungry, so we got up to cook. I showed him my breakfast trick and made pancakes from scratch. As I was cooking and we were talking, what I found out is that our tastes are very, very similar. The stuff in my kitchen was most of the stuff he likes. We sat down to eat our meal and we talked a lot. We spent almost an hour talking. He shared with me more about the long distance relationship. He told me that he had also been seeing someone else here in town (keep this in mind, it will come up later) and that two of his exes from the past had looked him up recently. I know, I know...this is when I should have asked him to leave, but I couldn't. Dumb love. Anyway, we talked about our kids and our exes. We just talked, alot. Then we went back to the bedroom and I started giving him a massage. In the midst of that my opportunity arose, and I told him that I needed to tell him the truth. I told him that all of those years ago I had loved him and that I had lied because I knew that he had loved her and it would not do any of us any good for the truth to come out.
This conversation led to him feeling terrible. He told me that had he known he would have handled things differently and that he had never wanted to hurt me. He asked questions about specific things that we had done, and I explained to him that I had done some of them as a way to show him that I loved him without telling him, that it was the reason I had not done those same things with anyone else. When this conversation was over, he looked at me like he was seeing me for the first time. It was almost like he was thinking over the past and maybe my confession shed some light on things for him.
I was afraid that once I had admitted all of that, that he would want to leave. That he would be afraid that it would happen again and decide it was just better to walk away. But, he didn't. He stayed, and there was more sex. It was altered though. The only way to describe it is more intimate. At one point, we decided to leave the protection off. (I know, not smart, I don't need a lecture on this.) The thing is, back when we were kids, that never ever happened. He ALWAYS used one, without fail. So, to me, his suggestion that we go without was a surprise but it also had me wondering if maybe my confession had shifted something within him, did he have feelings for me too? In the morning, while we were still in bed, I told him that he had surprised me. He asked about what, and I told him that it surprised me that he had asked to go glove free. He told me that he had surprised himself too. This moment was perhaps my first giant mistake because I assumed that the choice to do that implied something more than it did.
He had planned on leaving early in the morning because he needed to get to work. He had his alarm set for 8am. He did not want to leave, at all, and stayed with me until 10:45. I was sad to watch him go. So sad, but I did believe that he would be back again. I just had no way to know when.
What he said, "I need to end it with her, don't I?"
What I should have said, "You need to realize that I am the awesomeness that is just right for you, and I am right here, right now."
Friday, January 8, 2010
You Still Want to Come Over?
My nerves were so completely on edge. I could not believe that after all of this time I was going to see him. So much had changed over the years. I wondered if he would still be interested in me, this older and fatter version of me. I wondered if he was nervous too. I wondered if he would still want me, after all of this time, would he look the same, would my heart nearly explode when I saw him? I was sitting there, in the parking lot of the restaurant, almost sick with anticipation, when he pulled up. We got out of our cars, he came around his, and I really saw him. Yeah, it all came back. I was so weak in the knees, and when he put his arms around me to hug me I knew it was all over again.
We had planned to eat dinner and then, after, he was going to come to my place. There was no question for either of us what would go down at my place, once we both got there, but there was always a question in my mind about whether or not we would get there. I felt certain that there was a high probability that he would change his mind after seeing that I had packed on 70 pounds or that I wasn't as cute as I had been at 19 years old. So, once the plates had been cleared, I mustered up the courage and asked him if he still wanted to come over. To my delight he said yes, and we were on our way. I was so nervous on the drive home that I am not sure how I made it there in one piece.
I let him in the house, and turned away from him to head toward the light switch, when I felt his hands around my waist and his hips pressing against me, and I panicked. I literally ran away from him to the other room to get the correct lighting taken care of. I gave myself a pep talk..."surrender to this you idiot, it is the second chance you have always wanted with him." So I moved toward him, I could feel my body heat rising and my breathing change. He pulled me in close to his body. I could feel his hips, his chest, his thighs pressed against me and then he put his lips on mine, and I was a goner. No memory can ever compare to the real thing and in that moment, in that first kiss (again) every fear and misgiving melted away. I surrendered to him, and for the first time in twelve years, I felt connected again. It was like exchanging energy with another person, one body melds into the other, where one ends and one begins is a foreign concept. In that moment the intimacy took on a life of its own. It was everything I remembered, but it was more, because my hunger was more.
We had, ummmm, several rounds that evening. We slept a little in between and we talked a little in between and in those moments when we were talking he told me that he thought it was funny that we were seeing each other on a Thursday, because that had always been our day together. This is a detail that I absolutely could not remember, but he does. He recalled several specific detail, things I had worn, how we had separated, details about what I had liked. In that moment with him I believed for the first time ever that maybe what had been between us had meant more to him then I had ever realized.
I was next to him in bed, his arms wrapped around me, knowing that he needed to go home so he could be ready for work in the morning but man was I scared to send him away. He had made a point of telling me before hand that he was not interested in having a one night stand with me, and that he would definitely be coming back, but I had my doubts. I think being around so many jerky men before I got married and then being so emotionally abused by my ex-husband really left me wondering. Which, was entirely unfair to him, because he had never treated me badly. Still, fair or not, I was scared.
I had to let him go though, so I did. I kissed him good-bye and he told me he would to talk to me soon, and he came through. He called me the next evening to make sure I was still alright with the sex that had happened the night before. I assured him that I was. We had made plans to see each other three weeks later, but I told him I didn't really want to wait that long. He said he would see what he could do, we said our good-byes, and hung up the phone. It was a very good twenty four hours in what had otherwise been a very crummy year. I wanted more of that...a lot more.
What he said, "FWB things never work, how did you keep from getting emotionally invested back then?"
What I should have said, " I did get invested, I loved you more than life itself."
I will tell you how I actually answered his question in my next post...
We had planned to eat dinner and then, after, he was going to come to my place. There was no question for either of us what would go down at my place, once we both got there, but there was always a question in my mind about whether or not we would get there. I felt certain that there was a high probability that he would change his mind after seeing that I had packed on 70 pounds or that I wasn't as cute as I had been at 19 years old. So, once the plates had been cleared, I mustered up the courage and asked him if he still wanted to come over. To my delight he said yes, and we were on our way. I was so nervous on the drive home that I am not sure how I made it there in one piece.
I let him in the house, and turned away from him to head toward the light switch, when I felt his hands around my waist and his hips pressing against me, and I panicked. I literally ran away from him to the other room to get the correct lighting taken care of. I gave myself a pep talk..."surrender to this you idiot, it is the second chance you have always wanted with him." So I moved toward him, I could feel my body heat rising and my breathing change. He pulled me in close to his body. I could feel his hips, his chest, his thighs pressed against me and then he put his lips on mine, and I was a goner. No memory can ever compare to the real thing and in that moment, in that first kiss (again) every fear and misgiving melted away. I surrendered to him, and for the first time in twelve years, I felt connected again. It was like exchanging energy with another person, one body melds into the other, where one ends and one begins is a foreign concept. In that moment the intimacy took on a life of its own. It was everything I remembered, but it was more, because my hunger was more.
We had, ummmm, several rounds that evening. We slept a little in between and we talked a little in between and in those moments when we were talking he told me that he thought it was funny that we were seeing each other on a Thursday, because that had always been our day together. This is a detail that I absolutely could not remember, but he does. He recalled several specific detail, things I had worn, how we had separated, details about what I had liked. In that moment with him I believed for the first time ever that maybe what had been between us had meant more to him then I had ever realized.
I was next to him in bed, his arms wrapped around me, knowing that he needed to go home so he could be ready for work in the morning but man was I scared to send him away. He had made a point of telling me before hand that he was not interested in having a one night stand with me, and that he would definitely be coming back, but I had my doubts. I think being around so many jerky men before I got married and then being so emotionally abused by my ex-husband really left me wondering. Which, was entirely unfair to him, because he had never treated me badly. Still, fair or not, I was scared.
I had to let him go though, so I did. I kissed him good-bye and he told me he would to talk to me soon, and he came through. He called me the next evening to make sure I was still alright with the sex that had happened the night before. I assured him that I was. We had made plans to see each other three weeks later, but I told him I didn't really want to wait that long. He said he would see what he could do, we said our good-byes, and hung up the phone. It was a very good twenty four hours in what had otherwise been a very crummy year. I wanted more of that...a lot more.
What he said, "FWB things never work, how did you keep from getting emotionally invested back then?"
What I should have said, " I did get invested, I loved you more than life itself."
I will tell you how I actually answered his question in my next post...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
And Now For The New Beginning.
May 13th of 2009 marked the beginning of a new stage in my life. I left my crummy marriage and never looked back. Seriously, I have not had one moment of regret, not one. I spent the first few months focusing on my son and getting us settled in our new place. Then in August I had a girls night, and two of my friends from high school came over. After a few drinks and dinner we cut loose pretty good and started talking about past relationships. One of them asked me who was the best I had ever been with. I didn't even have to hesitate. I told them about my boy. About how wild we had been together and how being with him was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The conversation moved on, but I didn't. All of those memories that I had tucked away came flooding back.
I admit, there was a part of me that thought it would be a bad idea to try to find him. I mean, I had only been separated a little over three months, and if he rejected me it would have been devastating. Of course, the part of me that holds on to hope couldn't let it go, so I looked him up on a certain social networking site. Not only was he there, he was back in my town, and listed as single...My hands were shaking when I clicked to request his friendship. I added a note, asking him if he remembered me, and then I waited for a reply. I got it, the same day. He accepted my friend request and started an email conversation assuring me that he absolutely did remember me. We talked about our kids, our failed marriages, where I was going to school, where he was working, and those wild nights from when we were younger. And once again I felt it, the spark, the need, it was all still there.
After several emails, things slowed down a bit. It had been a few weeks since I had heard from him. I was getting ready to go on a mini vacstion/girls weekend in late September when I noticed that he happened to be on that social networking site. I opened up a chat with him and we talked for a few minutes, then, right before I got off the computer, he asked when he was going to get to kiss me again. My heart was pounding...this was my chance. I played it cool but basically told him to name the time and the place. He told me to enjoy my weekend but to give him a head's up when I was back in town so that we could make arrangements to get together. I had the hardest time focusing on anything that weekend with the girls. It was ridiculous how excited I was just at the prospect of seeing him again.
When I got back in town we IMed a little bit. Well, for the sake of honesty I am just going to go ahead and admit that we had FBsex. We made arrangements to see each other the next Thursday night, it was the next time I was free. We talked on the phone a few times that week. I was filled with that same love for him, that same old anticipation and excitement.
But, there was a damper on these conversations. He told me that there was a long distance relationship. That it was a long-term/long distance relationship and that he had made it clear to her that he would be seeing other people because long distance couldn't work out. In the back of my mind I wondered why this woman would consent to that, but I didn't know the details and he had always been honest with me, so I chose to trust him. What I know now, months later, is that he did make that clear to her when their relationship started years ago and that she no longer sees their relationship that way, but he does. We will revisit this topic as I go through some of the things that have happened and why I am so utterly confused by some of the things he does.
What he said,"I stay with her because she supported me through a really tough time."
What I should have said, "If anyone every stayed with me for that reason alone I would hate it, and would rather that they let me go."
I admit, there was a part of me that thought it would be a bad idea to try to find him. I mean, I had only been separated a little over three months, and if he rejected me it would have been devastating. Of course, the part of me that holds on to hope couldn't let it go, so I looked him up on a certain social networking site. Not only was he there, he was back in my town, and listed as single...My hands were shaking when I clicked to request his friendship. I added a note, asking him if he remembered me, and then I waited for a reply. I got it, the same day. He accepted my friend request and started an email conversation assuring me that he absolutely did remember me. We talked about our kids, our failed marriages, where I was going to school, where he was working, and those wild nights from when we were younger. And once again I felt it, the spark, the need, it was all still there.
After several emails, things slowed down a bit. It had been a few weeks since I had heard from him. I was getting ready to go on a mini vacstion/girls weekend in late September when I noticed that he happened to be on that social networking site. I opened up a chat with him and we talked for a few minutes, then, right before I got off the computer, he asked when he was going to get to kiss me again. My heart was pounding...this was my chance. I played it cool but basically told him to name the time and the place. He told me to enjoy my weekend but to give him a head's up when I was back in town so that we could make arrangements to get together. I had the hardest time focusing on anything that weekend with the girls. It was ridiculous how excited I was just at the prospect of seeing him again.
When I got back in town we IMed a little bit. Well, for the sake of honesty I am just going to go ahead and admit that we had FBsex. We made arrangements to see each other the next Thursday night, it was the next time I was free. We talked on the phone a few times that week. I was filled with that same love for him, that same old anticipation and excitement.
But, there was a damper on these conversations. He told me that there was a long distance relationship. That it was a long-term/long distance relationship and that he had made it clear to her that he would be seeing other people because long distance couldn't work out. In the back of my mind I wondered why this woman would consent to that, but I didn't know the details and he had always been honest with me, so I chose to trust him. What I know now, months later, is that he did make that clear to her when their relationship started years ago and that she no longer sees their relationship that way, but he does. We will revisit this topic as I go through some of the things that have happened and why I am so utterly confused by some of the things he does.
What he said,"I stay with her because she supported me through a really tough time."
What I should have said, "If anyone every stayed with me for that reason alone I would hate it, and would rather that they let me go."
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
He Was My Strongest Weakness
I was 18 when I met him, saw him actually…he walked into the room where I was and my heart stopped for a moment. He literally took my breath away. Of course, I found out soon after that he had a girlfriend, someone that we worked with, someone that I had already been getting to know. Now, I am not a home wrecker or a cheater, it is not in my nature, but I could not stop thinking about him. I learned that their relationship was somewhat tenuous, that she would get angry about silly stuff and “break up” with him or punish him by treating him badly. So, as much as everyone knew that he “belonged” to her, their relationship was definitely an on again/off again thing.
I wish I could remember the particulars of it, how it came about, but I can’t. I just know that after several months of longing, during an “off again” period in their relationship, we started a mutually agreed upon friends with benefits relationship. He loved her, and I knew it, but I could not deny my desire for him, so I plunged in with both feet and didn’t look back. It was amazing, beyond anything I had ever experienced. It went on for a few months. It was intense and passionate, wild and new. We did things that neither of us had ever done before, and as it turns out, have never done again. It was special and sad all at the same time. I never told him that I loved him, not once. I maintained an air of indifference as best I could so that he would not suspect it. I did this because I knew that he would not want to hurt me, and because I knew that he would end it.
I am sure you can imagine what happened next, she came back to him, and he broke off our friendship. Not entirely of course, just the intimacy that I had been surviving on for those few months. I gave him up, without a fight. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I would treat him better, and that he should be with me…but I knew that was futile, so I let him go. I still saw him, them, almost everyday. Working together made life miserable for me on many levels. There is something so pitiful about a broken heart, but even more so when that broken heart is a secret because only a few people had any idea that you were ever in love to begin with. Shortly after we found out that our division was closing down and that we could either transfer or find a new job. They chose to transfer and get married. I chose to find another job. That was it…he was gone.
I never forgot him. My marriage was terrible almost from the get go. After a few rough experiences I rushed into a relationship with my ex-husband based on his words of love, and found out soon after that words were all he had and there was no action behind it. On the nights when I would be in bed with him, I would think back to my boy and our time together. I would wonder if he was happy, or if he was lying in bed with her feeling just as lonely as I did. Don’t get me wrong, I hoped he was happy, I just had watched her manipulate him for so long that I didn’t have high hopes. Eventually I stopped thinking about him so much. It got to maybe only a few times a year. I would hear a song or smell a man’s cologne that would remind me of him. The good memories would come crashing back in a rush and I would relive some of those moments in my mind. In those moments I was happy again, comfortable, content. I was back in his apartment, lying next to him, smelling his cologne, tracing the pattern on his sheets, and smiling at my boy, sound asleep. Happy.
I don't have a "What He Said/What I Should Have Said" for this post, because so many of the details are sketchy and because I have no regrets about that time with him. I would not want to change it, I would not undo it. It was one of the best times of my life.
I wish I could remember the particulars of it, how it came about, but I can’t. I just know that after several months of longing, during an “off again” period in their relationship, we started a mutually agreed upon friends with benefits relationship. He loved her, and I knew it, but I could not deny my desire for him, so I plunged in with both feet and didn’t look back. It was amazing, beyond anything I had ever experienced. It went on for a few months. It was intense and passionate, wild and new. We did things that neither of us had ever done before, and as it turns out, have never done again. It was special and sad all at the same time. I never told him that I loved him, not once. I maintained an air of indifference as best I could so that he would not suspect it. I did this because I knew that he would not want to hurt me, and because I knew that he would end it.
I am sure you can imagine what happened next, she came back to him, and he broke off our friendship. Not entirely of course, just the intimacy that I had been surviving on for those few months. I gave him up, without a fight. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, that I would treat him better, and that he should be with me…but I knew that was futile, so I let him go. I still saw him, them, almost everyday. Working together made life miserable for me on many levels. There is something so pitiful about a broken heart, but even more so when that broken heart is a secret because only a few people had any idea that you were ever in love to begin with. Shortly after we found out that our division was closing down and that we could either transfer or find a new job. They chose to transfer and get married. I chose to find another job. That was it…he was gone.
I never forgot him. My marriage was terrible almost from the get go. After a few rough experiences I rushed into a relationship with my ex-husband based on his words of love, and found out soon after that words were all he had and there was no action behind it. On the nights when I would be in bed with him, I would think back to my boy and our time together. I would wonder if he was happy, or if he was lying in bed with her feeling just as lonely as I did. Don’t get me wrong, I hoped he was happy, I just had watched her manipulate him for so long that I didn’t have high hopes. Eventually I stopped thinking about him so much. It got to maybe only a few times a year. I would hear a song or smell a man’s cologne that would remind me of him. The good memories would come crashing back in a rush and I would relive some of those moments in my mind. In those moments I was happy again, comfortable, content. I was back in his apartment, lying next to him, smelling his cologne, tracing the pattern on his sheets, and smiling at my boy, sound asleep. Happy.
I don't have a "What He Said/What I Should Have Said" for this post, because so many of the details are sketchy and because I have no regrets about that time with him. I would not want to change it, I would not undo it. It was one of the best times of my life.
Monday, January 4, 2010
On Loneliness
Before I dive into this whole story I want to preface it by trying to explain that sometimes loneliness can literally take on a life of its own.
There is this song by Sara Evans called Tonight and in it she sings that "There's just somethings only lonely understands" and man is that ever true. This entire blog may seem insane or ridiculous or nonsensical to some people. There are people that will judge me and think that I am easy. They can if they want. They have never endured my particular brand of loneliness because they have not walked a minute in my shoes. For others though, the deep inherent need will ring true because they have endured their own intense loneliness and they have had their own experiences with trying to numb the pain.
The truth of the matter is that once upon a time, almost 12 years ago, I loved a boy that did not love me back. We were friends with benefits, and I knew he loved someone else. When his relationship with that someone else started up again, our special friendship stopped. Letting him go without a fight was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but I did it because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Now, 12 years later, that boy is a man, and I am in love with him again and I am basically in the same situation with him again. As much as I know it is ridiculous to continue on with him, I can not stop. Who can walk away from the person that they love if there is even so much as a glimmer of hope? Who?
What he said: "I am sort of seeing someone in another state, so this can't be a serious thing between us."
What I should have said: "It was nice talking to you again, enjoy your life."
Yeah, the loneliness got the best of me on that one...
There is this song by Sara Evans called Tonight and in it she sings that "There's just somethings only lonely understands" and man is that ever true. This entire blog may seem insane or ridiculous or nonsensical to some people. There are people that will judge me and think that I am easy. They can if they want. They have never endured my particular brand of loneliness because they have not walked a minute in my shoes. For others though, the deep inherent need will ring true because they have endured their own intense loneliness and they have had their own experiences with trying to numb the pain.
The truth of the matter is that once upon a time, almost 12 years ago, I loved a boy that did not love me back. We were friends with benefits, and I knew he loved someone else. When his relationship with that someone else started up again, our special friendship stopped. Letting him go without a fight was the hardest thing that I had ever done, but I did it because I loved him and I wanted him to be happy. Now, 12 years later, that boy is a man, and I am in love with him again and I am basically in the same situation with him again. As much as I know it is ridiculous to continue on with him, I can not stop. Who can walk away from the person that they love if there is even so much as a glimmer of hope? Who?
What he said: "I am sort of seeing someone in another state, so this can't be a serious thing between us."
What I should have said: "It was nice talking to you again, enjoy your life."
Yeah, the loneliness got the best of me on that one...
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